Building Strong Co-founder Relationships with founder coaches, Nicki Coe and Cat Totty

Founding a company with someone demands trust, constant communication, and the ability to navigate high-stakes decisions under pressure. But unlike most other relationships, co-founders are also trying to build something from nothing, and do it fast and profitably.

For this expert interview issue, we spoke with Nicki Coe and Cat Totty , two seasoned founder coaches, who specialise in helping co-founders stay aligned, resilient, and effective. They share candid insights into what can make or break a co-founder relationship, the common traps that even experienced founders can fall into, and the strategies they’ve seen work in the real world.

Whether you're starting something new, are already deep in the trenches, or just curious about the psychology of startup teams, this conversation will be a great read!

You’ve worked with a lot of founding teams - what are some of the qualities or habits you see in really strong co-founder relationships? 

CAT - I would say that there are two really high leverage ones. One is that growth mindset is applied to self. It's not just about solving things in the spreadsheet or the business or the customer journey, but about within themselves. For example, what am I doing that isn't helping the business? How am I thinking? What am I assuming? How am I behaving? It's not this is just how I am, it's a question of how could I be better in this partnership and for this business?  

The second thing is that it's okay to talk about us. People talk about working in the business versus working on the business, but there's actually a very important third layer that co-founders must do, which is the ‘how are we working together’? You need to  normalise that and checking in on it and make it an absolute standard to iterate and improve on it. Talk about feelings and talk about things that can't be totally rationalised at the time. This is a great strength because this is really what partnership is. It can't be reduced to a spreadsheet, and making that normal and regular is a hallmark of great cofounder relationships. 

How important is it for co-founders to clearly define their roles early on? How do you help them with this and is it something that should be revisited over time? 

CAT - For earlier stage teams, I think it is essential to design to define what the business needs, who is doing what and revisit that pretty often. In an early-stage business, you might even revisit this monthly. It's not so much at this stage about roles or titles, it's more about what the business needs. As the business grows and scales and things become clearer, skill sets diverge and you need more expertise or more focus, at that point, it is useful to start saying, ‘okay, the CEO is mostly doing this and the CTO is mostly doing that’. However, for some time, they may still be wearing a few different hats. So, I’d say it is very important but I wouldn't say it's defining their roles. I think it's defining who is doing what in service of the business, which is slightly different.  

In terms of what else needs defining early on, beyond the tasks and areas of responsibility, there's the behavioural expectations, which are essential to define early. These also might iterate as stress levels go up or more people come into the business to manage. That's simple things like what a timely reply looks like, or is it okay to WhatsApp each other in the middle of Saturday night? And if we're Slacking, what level of detail do I expect you to reply to my message with? 

One very high leverage tool that I work with co-founders on is simply labelling these things. So, maybe a message says, ‘I don't need you to reply to this right now, I'm just brain dumping’. Or ‘I do need you to reply to this right now and but just one line’. Or ‘I really need you to think about this, can you do some in-depth thinking by tomorrow?’ So, it's very clearly labelled what you're asking of your co-founder in any given moment because you together deal with such a spectrum of tasks together, you need to take out the second guessing for each other. 

We hear a lot about how important employee-company fit is but how does that translate to co-founder fit? What does that actually mean in practice and how do you help founders figure out if they’re aligned - or not? 

NICKI - Co-founder fit is hard to articulate because how it’s measured is incredibly personal, but we all know the feeling of being in a solid rhythm with another person, and it’s so energising and fundamental in co-founder partnerships. 

What I often see is that people think about their compatibility when they’re starting out, then once they get building, they just think they’re good to go and don’t revisit it. You don’t get a job then never reassess employee-company fit, you don’t go into a romantic relationship and never reassess compatibility - it’s so important to actively prioritise staying aligned, and work on the partnership. 

When trying to assess fit, there are two buckets I consider, that I conversationally call the head and heart. The weight people give these buckets varies but they both matter. The head is the practical and logistical side, we assess fit by looking at things like roles and responsibilities, the finances, business output, desired team size - the more ‘numbers’ stuff. 

Then in terms of the heart, the emotional side, we look at things like values, what does this business mean to you as individuals, what’s your working and communication style, what personal relationship you want to have, what support do you expect from each other? 

When it comes to figuring out if they’re aligned, this is often something co-founders know themselves without much questioning. The challenge sometimes comes in getting them to agree there’s misalignment, and that they are going to do something about it. 

What advice would you give about co-founding with friends? 

NICKI - I co-founded my branding agency, LUNA + LION, with Scarlett who was (and still is) one of my closest friends, so I can answer this with personal insight and coaching expertise! It honestly can be the best thing ever - how energising and rewarding to build something with someone you care about. But it can also create a lot of blurred lines and extra pressure.  

It totally depends on the friendship in question, but these are some points I always discuss with clients: 

• Are you currently able to have hard, honest conversations? If you avoid that in your current relationship, it’s tricky to change, and it’s so important as co-founders. 

• Is there naturally a more dominant person in the friendship? What impact might that have? 

• Do you know who each other is in ‘work mode’? Do your working styles align?  

• What boundaries do you need to protect your friendship and the business? 

• On paper, how does the combination of your skills work together? 

• What do you expect from each other as partners?  

• How will you hold each other accountable and not just rely on goodwill? 

Importantly, always sign a co-founder’s agreement! It’s not awkward or a sign of mistrust, it’s a sign of commitment to each other and the business. Even the act of having to complete the agreement will bring up so many important conversations. 

What are the early warning signs that a co-founder relationship needs attention? 

NICKI - Generally speaking, when the partnership is draining you more than it’s fuelling you, or when you feel like it’s holding you back rather than supercharging you forward.  

Some examples of what that experience might look like in practice are: 

• “There’s no obvious conflict, but something just feels…off.” 

• “We get on, but it feels like we’re not working as a team.”  

• “We struggle to agree on day-to-day stuff.” 

• “It can take us ages to make a decision on something.” 

• “Sometimes we’ll contradict each other in front of our team, which isn’t great.” 

• “The relationship just feels like something I have to consciously manage.” 

These early signs are often subtle, they feel more like a daily moan, a shift in energy, a change in trust, or just a sense that you’re not growing together. This is the time to act, before these cracks start to fracture the foundations. 

What are the most common sources of tension between co-founders? 

NICKI - Communication is a theme I work on with all clients. It’s about building behaviours and systems that create intentional communication because so much gets assumed or misunderstood. We’re not taught how to communicate as children, we’re taught how to speak, but all good communication starts with listening and adapting to different communication styles.  

Common themes I see alongside this are: 

• Unclear and overlapping roles and responsibilities, often connected to an imbalance between autonomy and teamwork, and ambiguous decision-making processes. 

• Misaligned vision and goals, both for the business and for them as individuals. 

• Different perceptions on how to measure contribution, this is when things can start to feel ‘unfair’. 

• Different working styles and routines. 

• An imbalance in power or energy - either one person is leading more than the other, or someone feels like they’re carrying the invisible load. 

 Ultimately though, the tension between co-founders really comes down to the experience of each individual, and what they can do to change that. This work often starts out being about ‘the other person’, then shifts to being about you - what within you is triggered, what are your patterns, and what can you do about that? 

Feedback can be such a loaded topic - how do you coach founders to give each other honest feedback without damaging the relationship? 

CAT - Feedback is a funny word, the minute you hear it, your hackles can go up, whoever you are. So, my approach to this is to start with really doing the inner work on those hackles. 

What is the individual's relationship to feedback? How do they feel about it? How has their life path shaped that? What are their experiences of it - positive and negative - from others giving it and getting it? What are they believing about it?  

Then you work towards a place where feedback is in service of the business. This is not about me, this is just about different resources in the business, of which I am one. You need to be leveraged to really move from what is absolutely normal human nature discomfort with feedback, into seeing it as something that's a fantastic business tool. That often requires a bit of heavy self-work from the individual, to move from one place to the other. I don't think I've ever met anyone who truly starts in a place of loving feedback, so that's natural and normal.  

Then the other part that really enables feedback without damaging the relationship, is to normalise it and set up asking for it, to be proactive. For example, once a week or after a key investor call, asking ‘how do you think I did in that meeting?’ ‘What could I have done better?’ Then you're giving permission for it.  

You can also pre-word it. I do sessions with cofounders where they say, ‘if you already annoyed with me about X, this is how I'd like you to tell me. Here are some example words that I would be fine hearing from you’. Then you are taking out unknowns that don't have to be unknown. This is what good co-founder communication is about.  

Do you recommend any regular practices or rituals that help co-founders stay aligned and avoid letting issues build up? 

CAT - Building on the last point - Regular ‘working on us ‘sessions, which I normally recommend weekly, but actually, often in-the-moment works for both people as well. And having a standard feedback structure - ‘What did I do well? What could I have done differently? Give me some feedback here’. 

How do you help founders identify and navigate differences in communication or decision-making styles? How can they leverage these differences effectively? 

NICKI - I start off by using various tools and quizzes with clients to give us some objective results to talk through. Particularly if the situation is emotionally charged, I want to use frameworks to prompt curiosity and discussion about what they see in their own styles and habits, rather than comment on what they see in the other person. Moving that responsibility inwards rather than thinking the tension is happening outside of you.  

This knowledge is then applied to certain situations where we see the opportunity for stronger communication and decision-making, and we’ll create a specific framework to champion their individual styles and see these differences as a way to create a new outcome. 

How do you approach coaching founders through a major disagreement or breakdown in trust? 

NICKI - So many factors determine this approach, and when there’s a major disagreement, that approach is even more bespoke. But whenever there’s serious conflict, before I agree to start working with them, I always consider the same two questions: 

1 - Is there a shared positive intention to resolve this? 

2 - Do they have genuine care for each other?  

Is there a shared positive intention to resolve this? 

Sometimes, for reasons beyond my awareness, either both or one of the co-founders is getting something from this conflict. That might sound odd, but it’s true. And to be really honest, most of the time I judge that on seemingly invisible metrics - my gut feel, and what is it they’re not saying, what does their tone and body language really tell me about this situation?  

When there is a shared positive intention to resolve it, I’ll call it out and start there, and that alone can help shift the energy from a place that’s focussed on the conflict, to focussed on the solution. We’ll also sometimes go back to basics of why they originally started working together, what it is that you respect or value in each other? Some questions to release the emotional charge, reconnect, and shed some light on the initial foundations of this partnership. 

Do they have genuine care for each other?  

This naturally connects to my first question but means something slightly different in practice. To clarify, by ‘care’, I don’t mean they have to be friends or even be particularly close. But being able to consider and value the experience of the other person in this situation is so important if you’re going to try to get through it. Because let’s be real, you can have a shared intention to resolve the conflict, but the motives might be purely individualistic.  

When they do have that genuine care, I often bring this to light by first creating space to listen. It sounds simple, but listening is such a powerful tool for finding connection and understanding. Then we might start to explore things like, how did it feel hearing their experience? Can you share why it makes you feel that way? Getting into the hows and the whys, rather than focussing on their different accounts of the whats and the whens. It really opens space for new consideration. 

In your experience, what makes a really effective co-founder sync? Are there any key points you think should always be covered in these sessions? 

CAT - In my experience, there are some different kinds of co-founder syncs. Some are about us and how we're getting on together. Some are about who's doing what. Some are about the strategy of the business.  

So, the team needs to really think about what are the different kinds of meeting that they need to have as co-founders, and then what the right cadence for those is and who are the right heads to bring into them. Is it a big question - are we even on the right track? Or is it - there's something on fire, what do we do?  

I think that the thing that should always be covered is ‘what is this meeting about?’ Clearly label that, so each person is very clear on the purpose of this meeting and what they're expecting of each other and the level of detail and the length. That way, you can do the work and not waste time or energy second guessing what the other person is thinking or trying to navigate some kind of cross purposes conversation. 

What do you wish more co-founders understood about their relationship from day one? 

CAT - I think that something that all of us, including me, realise sooner or later at different points in life, is that the only thing we can control on this planet is ourselves, as much as we might wish that was different.  

We need to really internalise that and accept full responsibility for how we're showing up. It's not someone else's fault, or if only someone else was different. We need to really focus entirely on our part in this, how we can work with the other person as they are, if they were never to change, and still do our very best. It's about working with the responsibility and the power that comes with that, of only controlling yourself.  

I think it really helps for co-founders to acknowledge together that their relationship is one of the key products at the heart of the business, it’s an asset. It is something investors are valuing, particularly in the earlier stages. And just like any product, it requires researching and customer feedback and iterations - figuring out what are the trigger issues and knowing you need to be ready to grow and evolve.  

 There's just no chance at all that two people came together and went through an extremely stressful time together for five or ten years without having to be intentional about that and having to make some changes together along the way. It’s partly about controlling yourself and it's partly about acknowledging that this partnership is something, a tangible thing, to work on and that it does require work.