The Power of Forgiveness: mutual respect, letting go of the past, and moving forward.

"I don't care if I ever see her again," I uttered those words about my former spouse, Susan, after a particularly heated argument in the spring of 2019. I had not been that angry at her in such a long time; it kept me up at night. I could not figure out why she kept viewing me the same way as if I was the same person she had been married to many years prior. By this time, eight years had passed since we were married. I had changed drastically in the years since we were married, yet here I was, still being looked at like I was the same person. What the argument did do was force me to take a hard look in the mirror. Why could she not see me for who I am now, now who I was? To figure that out, I found a fantastic psychologist who guided me to a much better future. One that I enjoy today.

I realized that I was getting in my way too many times. Susan could not see me as different because I gave her no reason to see me in any other way. While I wondered why I was treated that way, I was doing the same thing to her. Instead of realizing that she had changed, I was viewing her in the same light of years past and not the present. People can't ever move beyond the past if they don't accept that people can change. If we as individuals can change, so can others.

For people to move forward, they must first look in the mirror and own their responsibility in whatever circumstances arise (it usually takes two people) before two people can truly put the past behind them and look forward to the future. It is always easier to point the finger at someone else vs. look inward at your role. It’s much harder to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you might not be as great as you think, as innocent as you believe, as "right" as you feel. It's not easy work; however, it is needed if you want to grow as an individual, and I did. Susan and I have two kids, and we had college, marriages, grandkids, and holidays for the rest of our lives to contend. As a child of divorced parents, I knew the impact, and I didn't want that for my kids. It was time for me to own my role and move on. It was time to confess my faults to Susan through a heartfelt six-page letter.

Susan and I were married for 13 years (not since 2011) and had two exceptional children. A few years ago, Susan and I started down a path to forgive each other and let go of the past. When we were married (over 75% of that during deployment years), we did the best we could, and well, it wasn't good enough; we tried. Any divorce is generally challenging, and many of our family and friends lived through their own. They can be full of hate, anger, sadness, mistrust, hurt, feeling wronged, wanting to blame the other, and so on. We certainly shared many, if not all, of these at one point. As it usually takes two for marriage, or any relationship for that matter, to fail, it takes two to make amends and move on. Living in the past is a horrible way to live and gets you nowhere. Susan is not the same person she was when we were married, and I'm not the same guy. Frankly, we are better people now than we were then. Once we stopped looking at each other for who we were and focused on who we have become, and not living in the past hate and anger, it was a life game-changer.

We now spend the holidays with our kids, go to football tailgates, and have a few other events throughout the year. Her husband, Scott, is a great man and stepfather to the kids; we can only build this relationship with him. Everything is more manageable; life is easier, far less stressful, and most importantly, life is easier for our kids and, hopefully, a life lesson they can take away from it all.

 Letting go is powerful, moving forward is powerful, and not living in the past is powerful. Forgiveness is powerful.